This Psychological Theory Explains Why a Breakup Is Destroying Your Sense of Self

This Psychological Theory Explains Why a Breakup Is Destroying Your Sense of Self Breakups can feel debilitating theyre mentally taxing, heart-rending, enervating experiences that can induce intrusive thoughts, depression, loneliness and even a loss of sense of self, all of which can manifest physically (read insomnia, weight gain, hair loss and even reduced immune function).In a word, breakups are brutal. And they take time often, a lot of time to move on from. This is especially true when you feel like youve gelbkreuzgas yourself in the breakup, as though you dont know who you are without your ex-partner. Because, after all, you may have felt like your ex-partner or, rather, your other half had completed you. You experienced self-expansion with this person.Self-expansion theory, a wealth of researchers suggest, is perhaps exactly why some breakups seem to suck so much. Self-expansion theory is based on two key principlesWe, as humans, have a primary motivation to self expand in life.We can achieve self-expansion through close relationships with others that allow those others to be part of ourselves.Relationships are exciting because, when were in them, we learn a lot much of which is about our own selves. We take on new challenges, we try out new hobbies and we experience a whole lot of newness that helps us to find and define ourselves. It feels a lot like we expand our sense of self and, sometimes, like we can finally be our true selves because our partners tend to bring out the best in us.This isnt about minimizing your own tastes and hobbies, and it certainly is not an argument in favor of taking on your partners identity and casting aside your own, writes Melissa Dahl for The Cut. (It is probably still a good idea to, for example, know what kind of eggs youlike.) Rather, its about that notion of self-expansion, of introducing new perspectives and experiences into your life. It makes life meaningful, yes. But it can also make life more fun.In fact, in 1993, Arthur Aron, a professor of psychology at Stony Brook University, published a study that suggests that couples who spend more time together doing new and exciting activities are more satisfied with their relationships. In 2000, Aron and his colleagues duplicated a similar study and found the same telling results couples who try new things with one another are simply happier. This is largely because they feel as though theyve grown together.Of course, you can try new things on your own to expand your sense of self in other ways but few ways are as reliable as a romantic relationship.There are, of course, many things that promote that feeling of growth, Dahl goes on. As you get older, you encounter countless identities that you could bundle into your own You could become a runner, a painter, a writer, a vegetarian, a spouse, a parent. But, according to the psychological literature, one of the fruchtwein reliable ways to achieve self-expansion is by beginning a new romantic re lationship (or investing energy into a long-term one, so that it feels like new).And this is why breakups can be so physiologically devastating. A breakup is not only a split with a partner, but it also halts the self-expansion wed experienced in that relationship.Research suggests that, when on the brink of a breakup, our self-concepts diminish.We hypothesized that the more expansion provided by a relationship predissolution, the greater the contraction of the working self-concept postdissolution, and that this pattern would remain when controlling for predissolution closeness, researcher Gary Lewandowski writes in his study, Losing a Self-Expanding Relationship Implications for the Self-Concept, confirming that his three findings over three studies supported both hypotheses. Those with higher levels of self-expansion in predissolution relationships showed more detrimental impact on their working self-concept postdissolution, even after controlling for predissolution closeness.So w hat can you do to move on from heartbreak?Focus on restoring your self-concept, either by doing the things you loved and lost sight of during your relationship or by trying out brand-new hobbies, Dahl writes. This is common-sense breakup advice, but typically its a tactic meant to distract yourself from your heartbreak. And it will probably do that, and that can help. But when you drag your brokenhearted self to the guitar lessons (or whatever) that youve secretly always wanted to take, youre also rebuilding the you you just lost.In short Get out there and find yourself again. It may sound like clich advice, but its clich for a reason.--AnnaMarie Houlis is a feminist, a freelance journalist and an adventure aficionado with an affinity for impulsive solo travel. She spends her days writing about womens empowerment from around the world. You can follow her work on her blog, HerReport.org, and follow her journeys on Instagram her_report,Twitterherreport and Facebook.